Contrary to sensationalized portrayals in the media, real-life threats to women often come from those they already know, rather than ominous strangers. While men face a higher statistical likelihood of being murdered, female victims are more frequently targeted by current or former partners. According to the Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, nearly half of female homicide victims were romantically involved with their killers at some point.
Disturbingly, intimate partner violence extends to firearm-related fatalities, with an average of 57 women in the U.S. being shot and killed by their partners each month, a number on the rise. Studies indicate a 26 percent increase in gun-related murders by intimate partnersfrom 2010 to 2017. Alarming as it may be, an additional one million women in the U.S. have survived being shot by their intimate partners.
Abusers often target and manipulate victims by exploiting vulnerabilities, employing tactics such as "love-bombing" with excessive romantic gestures before coercing the victim into believing they are the only source of love.
Rita Smith, a distinguished expert in domestic violence with over 40 years of experience, sheds light on red flags indicating potential abuse in relationships. As the Vice President of External Relations for DomesticShelters.organd a senior advisor to the NFL on domestic violence and sexual assault policies, Smith brings crucial insights into the dynamics of abusive relationships.
What signs should we be alert to when meeting someone for the first time that might suggest the person has the potential to be a threat or pose danger?
A common warning signal is when an individual appears almost too perfect, displaying an extraordinary level of commitment and a rapid acceleration of involvement in the relationship. Despite their charm and engaging demeanor, they may push for a deeper connection at a pace that surpasses typical comfort levels.
It's easy to overlook the fact that you're becoming entangled in a relationship more rapidly than initially intended. Other potential red flags include an intense curiosity about your social connections, how you spend your time, and your preferences.
This behavior may feel like they are compiling a detailed checklist of your identity, creating a profile that could leave you vulnerable. If the level of inquiry feels intrusive or overwhelms you with too much information early on, it is crucial to pay attention to these feelings and take them seriously.
In your experience counseling numerous domestic violence survivors, what is the primary signal that triggers a strong concern, indicating that an individual is at a high risk of being fatally harmed?
Over the course of my years working in shelters, I unfortunately encountered instances where women I had counseled were tragically murdered. A particular cause for concern was if they had faced gun threats, amplifying my worry when they left the shelter. Guns are the most frequently used weapons in cases of domestic violence homicide.
Another distressing factor was the potential for being tracked. In the earlier years of my involvement in this field, cyberstalking wasn't as prevalent; instead, there were instances of physical stalking. This involved the abuser showing up at the victim's workplace, lurking outside their residence, or following them to locations they claimed to be. As these situations escalated, my concerns deepened for the safety of these individuals.
During my tenure as the director of a shelter in Metro Denver, there was a disturbing period where three current or former clients were murdered in a relatively short timeframe. One poignant example involved a woman residing in the shelter who, while attending to some errands, had an assailant cling to the undercarriage of her truck.
A police officer later discovered this during a stop, but tragically, the same individual went on to fatally stab her. This extreme level of monitoring and tracking by abusers underscores the lengths they are willing to go to maintain control over their targets.
As an advocate, how do you find the strength to continue your work when a person you've provided counseling to becomes a victim and loses their life?
In the aftermath of a series of murders, I reached out to a mental health agency to facilitate trauma-focused sessions for the staff. Coping with the loss of someone you've worked with is immensely challenging, often accompanied by feelings of guilt and self-questioning about what more could have been done.
Reflecting on the hundreds of women and children who had successfully navigated through the shelter and emerged as survivors became a source of solace. While it never truly makes the situation acceptable, acknowledging the larger number of individuals who found their way out provided a semblance of balance to the burden of guilt.
It's a reminder that amidst the tragic losses, there are many stories of resilience and triumph that, in some measure, make the weight of the situation more bearable.
What are indicators that suggest an intimate partner has the potential or is progressing towards a heightened risk of committing homicide?
Indications of a potential escalation towards lethal violence in intimate partner relationships encompass various forms of assault, particularly focusing on sexual violence or coercion. Abusers who force sexual encounters often demonstrate an increased likelihood of transitioning to more severe, lethal actions.
A critical red flag emerges when restraining orders or protection orders are in place, yet they are consistently violated, with the frequency of breaches escalating over time. This violation pattern serves as a significant warning sign for a heightened risk of lethal violence.
Stalking behaviors, such as invasive proximity, incessant texts, the discovery of spyware on electronic devices, or the presence of tracking devices on personal belongings like cars, are notable signs of monitoring and control, indicating an elevated risk.
Threats of suicide by the abuser are alarming, as they frequently precede murder-suicide incidents. Abusers often pose a danger not only to themselves but also to others. Additionally, the abuse or threats directed at pets can serve as a distressing indicator of escalating violence.
The presence of a gun, along with threats involving its use, constitutes clear and ominous signs of the potential for lethal actions in an abusive relationship. Recognizing and responding to these warning signs is crucial for the safety and well-being of those involved.
Do you concur with the common belief among advocates that when someone issues a threat to kill, it is seldom an empty or idle statement?
Absolutely. I firmly believe that abusers do not make empty threats, especially when it comes to threats of killing. Underestimating such a threat is not something I am willing to do, as it essentially involves gambling with one's life. I maintain the perspective that every abuser possesses the potential to escalate to becoming a killer, and that is not a risk I am prepared to allow anyone to take.
What factors, in your opinion, lead abusive partners to commit acts of lethal violence against their girlfriends or wives, despite professing love for them?
For the majority of perpetrators, the act of killing is the ultimate manifestation of control. Triggered by a realization that they have lost control over the person in question, they arrive at the disturbing conclusion that their only remaining avenue of control is to take a life, often extending their violence to include the victim's children as a means of punishing her.
While a small number of abusers may have underlying mental health issues, such as the recent case involving aQAnon believer, Matthew Taylor Coleman, most do not delve into such extreme realms of unreality. Instead, they consciously make a choice driven by feelings of threat, loss of control, and intense anger. Their final act of revenge becomes a devastating means of robbing their partner of something deeply significant.
In cases where the abuser exhibits a high level of lethality, the immediacy of their actions becomes evident. This urgency is seen in their impulsive purchase of a firearm on the same day, marking the swift and decisive execution of their violent intentions. This underscores the critical importance of taking all threats seriously and implementing proactive measures to prevent the tragic consequences that may follow.
If you find yourself entangled in a relationship and suddenly recognize that a.) it involves abuse and b.) the situation is escalating to a point where your life is at risk, what steps should you take?
If you reach a point where you feel the urgent need to escape an abusive situation, it's crucial to reach out to someone who can assist you in devising the safest strategies to do so. Domestic violence advocates, typically found in local programs, are valuable resources because they are familiar with the available resources in your area. Creating a plan with their guidance is essential for extracting yourself from the situation as safely as possible.
In cases of imminent danger, the immediate step is to call 911. However, if you believe you have some time to develop a comprehensive plan that includes strategies for financial independence and a safe place to go, that should be the ultimate goal.
This realization may occur in a moment of acute danger, and calling 911becomes your primary step to ensure survival. Subsequently, you can begin making plans once the immediate threat has been at least temporarily minimized.
In your experience, have survivors who choose to stay in an abusive relationship with the hope that things will improve ever found this strategy to be successful?
In reality, survivors often come to the realization, or should recognize, that if they had the ability to cease the violence, they would have done so long ago. The idea that an individual, on their own, can prompt an abusive partner to alter their behavior is a misconception.
Many survivors I've spoken to have exhaustively attempted various strategies, from compliance to resistance, changing their behaviors, altering daily routines, and more, all in an effort to meet the abuser's expectations for comfort and happiness.
Unfortunately, these efforts seldom yield the desired outcome because the true objective for the abuser is not to end the violence but to maintain control over the survivor. Consequently, the survivor's actions and adjustments do not matter; the goal for the abuser is to perpetually keep them off guard and off balance, ensuring continued control.
Is it possible for survivors to escape their abusive situations independently?
Many women have successfully liberated themselves from abusive situations even before the existence of shelters. While it is possible to do so independently, seeking assistance from your local domestic violence program is significantly safer and ensures a greater support system, especially if children are involved, as the risk level escalates substantially.
The primary aim of domestic violence programs is to be there for individuals in need, providing assistance and resources. If you reach out, they can offer guidance and support to help you navigate this process in a safer manner. The ultimate goal is to foster a safer community and family environment, and achieving this doesn't necessitate facing the challenges alone anymore.
If you are facing danger and need to separate from an abusive partner, locate a domestic violence shelter in your vicinity through DomesticShelters.org or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.